I’ve got to be honest, I hate the title of my blog. It’s one short of ‘you don’t have to be mad to work here, but it helps’ I mean really. Feel the fear and write it anyway!? I am one MASSIVE cliche. However, I have resisted changing it because as cliched as it is, it is also quite often very true. For me at least. Lots of things terrify me; sharks, illness, my children needing me when I’m not there to help, or worst of all, my Yorkshire Pudding’s not rising. Can you imagine that!?
Despite the fear, I do try to do things… apart from sharks, I just wouldn’t entertain that. And illness, I can’t avoid illness. And as if I’d not cook a Yorkshire on the off chance it went wrong, no. No yorkshire, no roast. Fact. Actually, looking at this list it is a pretty poor set of examples to make my point – stick with me though, there is a point.
This week, I have found myself avoiding something that I need to do, but am gut-wrenchingly terrified of it. I mentioned in my last that I had been shortlisted for the Festival of Romance New Writer Award. There is a ‘do’, in Bedford, people will be there. People I should be networking with. People who might have an opinion on my book. People who might one day be able to support, influence or encourage my writing. People who might make a difference. To make the most of the nomination, I should be there to talk to those people. But I am terrified. If I talk to them, I have to talk about the book. I don’t know that I am ready, I don’t know if the book is ready. Actually, I do know that bit. It isn’t. I’m barely through draft 2. It is a long way off being ready and I am terrified that I will talk too soon to someone who wants to see something and then I’ll feel I have to send it so that I don’t miss out on the opportunity and then it won’t be good enough, and then my chance has gone. Back to square one. I might lose faith in something that I currently have great faith in. I might lose confidence… cos as you can see from this post, I’m brimming with that. I am full of fear and I am desperate to run in the opposite direction.
I RSVP’d to say I couldn’t go.
She emailed back saying that was a shame because it was a great opportunity to network.
I justified it by mentioning the kids – which is a true point, as is the fact that to go, from where we live, is going to be expensive.
She reminded me that the event meant that us ‘nominees’ could be pushed in front of editors.
I felt that my reason for not going was growing thin. And stupid. I tried to justify it to him in doors. He said I should go. As did my mum. Plus a couple of friends. And the kids.
So, (*point about to be made klaxon*) I have emailed the organisers again to ask if I can change my mind. I will probably look like a total numpty for declining then changing my mind. But I think, just as the time I fessed up to people that I wanted to write, this time – I have to feel the fear and… don’t worry. I wont finish that sentence. I’m not mad.