Being a bit of a nob.

This may come as news to you … unless you know me and then it won’t be news at all, but from time to time I can be a bit of a nob. And not in a good way. I don’t know why it is; hormones, sleep deprivation, thoughtlessness, stupidity, ego, not enough coffee, any or all of these things. But it happens. I make bad choices. I sometimes say things – and indeed do them – that in retrospect I wish I hadn’t.

Maybe I’m not alone, maybe we all have the potential to be a bit of a nob, is it a human quality that we can’t escape? Possibly. The problem I have with it – apart from the obvious elements of it being a bit annoying when I am the protagonist – is that some people can be quite unforgiving when you are ‘a bit of a nob.’

Why does it matter? Well, it matters to me because when it happens, when I have been the culprit, I very quickly feel like the world is against me, like everyone is talking about me and everybody hates me. Which may be true, but may also be my own rejection neurosis kicking in and escalating facts into fiction. Either way, it can compound my potential to be a nob head. And so the circle continues.

Maybe because of this, I like to think that I’m quite a forgiving person, someone who will not judge you if you are having a bad day. I mean, don’t get me wrong, if you are permanently having a bad day and making everyone around you feel the same then I probably will judge you. I’ll judge you hard. But I think forgiveness is important. I think it goes towards nurturing those around you. I think that it helps people to feel comfortable in themselves and that brings out the best in us all. So when I’m in a situation where I don’t feel nurtured, or supported, or forgiven for sometimes being a nob, I increasingly find I want to escape. Because the physical discomfort that comes with fearing people are judging you (I know – Pot. Kettle. Black) can keep me awake at night. Rightly or wrongly, my injustice klaxon kicks in and I can’t sleep for feeling frustrated that I said or did something stupid. Or frustrated because I feel that someone hasn’t been fair. Or annoyed that even now, as a bone fide grown up – I am still capable of being a nob.

But why should I care? We are so often told that it shouldn’t matter what other people think of us. That we are who we are, and we should accept ourselves regardless of whether others do. That nobody else can like us/love us, unless we like/love ourselves. But that is quite hard isn’t it? To love yourself, when quite often – you don’t really like yourself.

So what do you do?

Try to change, that’s hardly self-acceptance is it. Try to accept, but what if we could be better people? Try not to over think it? Yeah, my sub-conscious, good luck with that one.

Recent weeks have highlighted this subject for me and I haven’t yet resolved whether I need to deal with it – because we all judge, it’s human nature, and you can’t escape that fact. Or if I should avoid situations that bring out the worst of my neurosis. To avoid might narrow my opportunities in life, but to embrace, might help me learn to deal with it and ultimately, make me a stronger person. Which in turn, should support my aspirations in life.Because they will lead me to being judged all the time. They will very much expose me. Again. Not in a good way.

Because really, why should it matter what other people think of us. Of me. Why should it?

Sorry. Self-indulgent post. I’ll no doubt regret this later on today. Still… feel the fear and write it anyway?

 

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3 thoughts on “Being a bit of a nob.

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  1. The fact is that being a bit of a nob is is something that happens to everyone from time to time. Surely what makes a difference is how we deal with it. There are those who seek to hide it, or refuse to acknowledge it. Or perhaps they are so lacking in self-awareness that their nobbiness doesn’t impinge on their consciousness at all.

    Then there are those who are occasionally aware but seek to place the blame for their behaviour or feelings on others. (Refusing to take responsibility for our own emotions can be so destructive, but can sometimes be such an easy and comforting route to take. Which is perhaps why it is the plot engine for so much soap opera drama.)

    But as usual I digress. But only a little.

    The best people are those who acknowledge their nobbiness, and take responsibility for it. Which is perhaps the best definition of being ‘adult’ I can think of at the moment. Within us all is the hurt child, the sullen teenager, the moments of apparent or real rejection, all the real joys and pains of life that go to make us who we are.

    The best people try to treat those around us, and ourselves, with love and respect. But who said that was always going to be easy? We are all winging it to some extent pretty much all of the time.

    And being/appearing adult certainly doesn’t have anything to do with age, as I know myself.

    I tend to dislike those vacuous memes and pop philosophical quotes which regularly appear on FB (me, judgemental?) but an occasional quote does sometimes touch a truth. Brace yerself:

    “When you go out into the woods and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. And you look at the tree and you allow it. You appreciate it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree. The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying ‘You’re too this, or I’m too this.’ That judging mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are.” — Ram Dass

    PS You are one of the un-nobbiest people I know.

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