This may come as news to you … unless you know me and then it won’t be news at all, but from time to time I can be a bit of a nob. And not in a good way. I don’t know why it is; hormones, sleep deprivation, thoughtlessness, stupidity, ego, not enough coffee, any or all of these things. But it happens. I make bad choices. I sometimes say things – and indeed do them – that in retrospect I wish I hadn’t.
Maybe I’m not alone, maybe we all have the potential to be a bit of a nob, is it a human quality that we can’t escape? Possibly. The problem I have with it – apart from the obvious elements of it being a bit annoying when I am the protagonist – is that some people can be quite unforgiving when you are ‘a bit of a nob.’
Why does it matter? Well, it matters to me because when it happens, when I have been the culprit, I very quickly feel like the world is against me, like everyone is talking about me and everybody hates me. Which may be true, but may also be my own rejection neurosis kicking in and escalating facts into fiction. Either way, it can compound my potential to be a nob head. And so the circle continues.
Maybe because of this, I like to think that I’m quite a forgiving person, someone who will not judge you if you are having a bad day. I mean, don’t get me wrong, if you are permanently having a bad day and making everyone around you feel the same then I probably will judge you. I’ll judge you hard. But I think forgiveness is important. I think it goes towards nurturing those around you. I think that it helps people to feel comfortable in themselves and that brings out the best in us all. So when I’m in a situation where I don’t feel nurtured, or supported, or forgiven for sometimes being a nob, I increasingly find I want to escape. Because the physical discomfort that comes with fearing people are judging you (I know – Pot. Kettle. Black) can keep me awake at night. Rightly or wrongly, my injustice klaxon kicks in and I can’t sleep for feeling frustrated that I said or did something stupid. Or frustrated because I feel that someone hasn’t been fair. Or annoyed that even now, as a bone fide grown up – I am still capable of being a nob.
But why should I care? We are so often told that it shouldn’t matter what other people think of us. That we are who we are, and we should accept ourselves regardless of whether others do. That nobody else can like us/love us, unless we like/love ourselves. But that is quite hard isn’t it? To love yourself, when quite often – you don’t really like yourself.
So what do you do?
Try to change, that’s hardly self-acceptance is it. Try to accept, but what if we could be better people? Try not to over think it? Yeah, my sub-conscious, good luck with that one.
Recent weeks have highlighted this subject for me and I haven’t yet resolved whether I need to deal with it – because we all judge, it’s human nature, and you can’t escape that fact. Or if I should avoid situations that bring out the worst of my neurosis. To avoid might narrow my opportunities in life, but to embrace, might help me learn to deal with it and ultimately, make me a stronger person. Which in turn, should support my aspirations in life.Because they will lead me to being judged all the time. They will very much expose me. Again. Not in a good way.
Because really, why should it matter what other people think of us. Of me. Why should it?
Sorry. Self-indulgent post. I’ll no doubt regret this later on today. Still… feel the fear and write it anyway?